


only fools fall

by misskatieleigh



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Characters, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Implied Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker, Lovers who are Just Friends, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sexual Content, Shara Bey/Kes Dameron - Freeform, Slow Burn, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Star Wars Rare Pairs Exchange 2017, Wedge Antilles/Norra Wexley - Freeform, leia organa/han solo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-01-18 12:09:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12387789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh
Summary: In the aftermath of the Emperor’s death and the destruction of the second Death Star, Bodhi attempts to negotiate his growing feelings for Wedge, never realizing that Wedge is going through the same struggle. A series of missed opportunities leads to heartache on both sides. What will it take for them to admit how they really feel?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yunmin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunmin/gifts).



> We're going rogue with canon here, starting with Bodhi, Jyn and Cassian surviving the Battle of Scarif, along with a few other unnamed Rebels. The relationship with Norra Wexley and Temmin (Snap) is affected, due to Wedge's feelings for Bodhi. Trying to keep with the timeline, but dang does a lot of stuff go down in 5 ABY. Yunmin, hopefully this meets your expectations - I tried to work in the things you said you liked from your letter as best I could!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small_

**4 ABY, Forest Moon of Endor**   


Endor was green in a way that reminded Bodhi of Yavin. The difference between forest and jungle was lost on a boy from the desert, green was green was green. Still, Endor felt like an ending, and Bodhi couldn’t help but think about the beginning. Yavin had been a desperate painful landing, followed by the bland purgatory of medical, and punctuated with a frantic evacuation. Endor was like the release of a breath long held, the realization of a far off dream. The bevy of fires that the Ewoks had lit masked the evidence of battle, most of the damage hidden in shadow. The grace with which they accepted the crowds of celebrating rebels gave Bodhi pause; the hope that the galaxy could rise up from the darkness of the Empire as real as the internal precipice that Bodhi currently walked.

He stood apart from the crowds, hesitating still. Then he squared his shoulders, and walked up to Wedge, determined to, at the very least, get this over with. “So. The way I see it, we've got a couple choices." He held up a bottle of Corellian whiskey, catching the light of the fire against the amber liquid he'd pilfered from the hidden compartment of Solo's ship. "We can get completely kriffing drunk, or -" he gestured down at himself, "have some life-affirming sex." He prayed that Wedge wouldn't see through his mischievous grin to the panic that had taken hold in his chest.

Wedge looked up, pulling his gaze from the fire. His body looked relaxed, leaned up against one of the massive trees that littered the surface of the moon, but his mouth was set in a line so tense Bodhi thought he'd surely snap if he moved too quickly. Wedge dragged his eyes over Bodhi from head to toe, sparking an instinctual urge to curl into himself, suddenly self-conscious of his disheveled hair and none too clean flight suit, gray to Wedge’s come-find-me orange. There was a flicker of interest, or perhaps just a reflection of the flames, but Bodhi shivered all the same.

Finally, Wedge worked his mouth open, the soft laugh falling from his lips at odds with his shuttered eyes. “Neither?” Wedge's voice curled the word up at the end, somehow both a question and a rejection. The desperate part of Bodhi latched onto a hope that Wedge meant ‘not now’ more than ‘not ever’.

“Oh, don't sound so shocked, Antilles. I'm sure it won't be the last offer you get tonight. I have it on good authority that heroes are a hot commodity. For a little while at least.”

Wedge’s smile faded and he opened his mouth to interject, but Bodhi plowed forward. “I'm pretty sure you could have your pick right about now.” Bodhi paused and winked. “Well, maybe not Solo, he's pretty well taken already. Didn't even notice me raiding his stash.”

Wedge grinned halfheartedly, crossing his arms over his chest and looking around like he was searching for someone. Bodhi walked over and leaned against the tree, following Wedge's gaze. He already had a pretty good guess as to where Wedge's eyes had been drawn, and he snorted a little when he saw he was right. Skywalker. Bodhi leaned closer, bumping Wedge's shoulder with his own. “Not sure that one’ll ever lose his shine. Must be a Jedi thing, pulling the rest of the galaxy into your orbit.”

The corner of Wedge's mouth twitched, but he didn't look away. “Didn't know we'd picked up a poet along the way, Rook.” He glanced over and met Bodhi's eyes, lip quirking up at the corner. “Watch out or you'll get caught up in it too.”

Bodhi smiled in return, eyes darting around Wedge’s face, taking in the shadows under his eyes and the bitten red of his downturned mouth. He could wax poetic about dark eyebrows and sharp faces, but Wedge didn't seem the sort that would appreciate it, too self-deprecating to accept a compliment freely given. In any case, Luke Skywalker had enough admirers and Bodhi knew better than to fly that close to the sun. “Nah, there's too much desert between the two of us. Need someone who won't get sand in the sheets.”

Wedge laughed. “If you still have sand in your hair after three years, you need help showering.”

Bodhi smiled, eyes turning wistful. He pressed the bottle of whiskey against Wedge's chest until he put a hand up to grab it, then pushed off the tree, brushing his hand over Wedge’s shoulder as he moved to walk away. “Funny thing about sand, you can never seem to leave it all behind.” He grinned then, brief and sharp. “That swill is for you, regardless. I bet the Ewok’s have some local rocket fuel that they're passing around.”

He glanced back over toward Luke, pointing a finger at Wedge knowingly. “Maybe your Jedi could use a drink. Or something else life-affirming.”

Wedge leaned his head back against the tree, blatantly ignoring the comment. He closed his eyes. “Have a good night, Bodhi. I'll see you around.”

“Night, hero.” Bodhi didn't miss the way Wedge's body went stiff at that, immediately wishing he could take the words back. Wedge reached up and worked the cork out of the bottle, hesitating for a moment before bringing it to his mouth and taking a long drink. 

Kriffing drunk it was, then.

Bodhi's shoulders tensed as he walked away. He knew Jyn would see straight through him, no matter how he tried to play off the rejection like it meant nothing. Then she'd tell Cassian and it would be a whole thing that he didn't want to deal with, some well meaning compassion and an offer to share their bed for the night. 

More than once, he’d taken solace in that, but he was starting to want more than just a willing set of arms. There were plenty of those scattered through the Rebellion, hands that would take him apart or let him find a semblance of control, a quick desperate fuck to shut his mind off for an hour. His libido he could handle. His heart was trouble; settled on Wedge Antilles, of all people.

* * *

**0 ABY, Yavin IV**

_Bodhi rolled over in his assigned bed, ready for his hourly change of scenery from one white wall to the other. Not that there wasn’t excitement going on, someone had shoved their head in the door about forty minutes prior, calling out about some impossible shot. Nothing since, through half the staff retreated to the Emergency section of medical almost immediately, so there must have been a battle. No one told him anything, most days, except when he might expect his next meal. He still wasn’t sure if it was because they didn’t trust him, or if they were just preoccupied._

_There were only two people he could come close to calling ‘friends’ on base, and they were both caught up in their own troubles. Cassian was still in a critical state after the damage to his spine and Jyn, who’d suffered only minor physical injuries, was either by his side or hounding Draven for news. Bodhi knew he wasn’t high priority; he would have begged his way out of the stark whiteness of the place if he had somewhere to go. If he could be sure that he wouldn’t get sent on his way with barely more than the clothes on his back and a thank you in exchange._

_He’d given up everything and he didn’t even know if it had made a difference._

_A med droid rolled into the room, the sound of their wheels against the duracrete floor familiar. They started speaking and Bodhi groaned, flipping back over, ready to tell them off. He didn't care what was for dinner._

_There was a pilot sitting on a stool on the other side of the room, his orange flight suit dark at the collar and under his arms like he’d been sweating. The life support box had been removed, flak vest straps tugged open but still hanging over his shoulders. His eyes were glazed over, like he was looking at something that wasn't really there. Someone had put a blanket around him, but it was falling off on one side, dangling down to brush against the floor. The droid rolled around him, shining a light into his eyes that made him jerk back and blink, mouth curving around half formed words._

_“Lieutenant Antilles. You are in shock. Please remain here until one of the medical staff can do a secondary assessment.” The droid didn't wait for acknowledgement before rolling away._

_“Don't take it personally, they're like that with everyone.” Bodhi wasn't sure why he was talking to this Lieutenant Antilles, except that he was tired of talking to himself and he had what appeared to be a captive audience. Antilles turned his head, one shoulder hitching up. He didn't say anything._

_Bodhi gave a worried smile. “You play cards? Sabaac? Come on, the least you can do is keep me company, since they won’t let either of us leave.” Bodhi shifted, twisting his body until he was mostly upright. He rubbed at his knee absently and wondered if it would ever stop aching. He supposed it could have been worse, an artificial knee was better than losing the whole lower half of his leg. Bodhi didn’t like to think about how easily that could have been reality. He didn’t like to think about what else might have happened either, if he hadn’t realized he wanted to live at the last moment. He hadn’t been fast enough to save Baze or Chirrut, but the other rebels he’d gotten off of Scarif certainly appreciated his mad dash toward life._

_Antilles still hadn’t moved, but he was watching Bodhi, so it was some kind of progress. Bodhi made an effort to brighten his smile. Someone had said he had a kind face once, though they might have been trying to get in his pants at the time. He pointed to himself, then held out his hands. “I’m Bodhi. Come over here, Lieutenant, if you can. I’m not allowed to get up yet.”_

_Antilles took a deep breath, his mouth tilting down on one side. Bodhi found himself staring, stomach clenching with the urge to see it curved up into a smile instead. Bodhi wiggled his fingers, pushing his lower lip out into a pout. “Please. I’ll even let you win.”_

_That did it. Bodhi saw his lips twitch upward, though it only served to make him look sadder, haunted around the eyes. “It’s Wedge, actually.”_

_Wedge stood up from the stool he’d been perched on and walked over to Bodhi. “Could - could I take a raincheck on that card game? I couldn’t concentrate enough to win even if you were letting me.”_

_“Fair enough. Do you know what’s going on at least? No one tells me anything.” Bodhi found himself looking up as the man came closer. He looked even more defeated than he had from across the room._

_Wedge sat down in the chair next to Bodhi’s bed and leaned his head back against the wall. “Death Star was here. Blew it up - well, HE did, at least. Rest of us…” Wedge choked a little and his mouth crumpled up. Bodhi knew what that meant and it made his chest ache. The Death Star was aptly named, after all. He thought of Galen and wondered if he knew how many lives he’d taken thinking he could control the whims of the Empire._

_Bodhi reached out without thinking and took Wedge’s hand. He didn’t know what to say, nothing seemed like it would make a difference._

_Wedge pressed his lips together in a tight line, but he didn’t let go, squeezing Bodhi’s hand once and slumping further into the chair. He stayed there, through the bland tray of food that one of the droid’s wheeled over an hour later, thankful that the other beds stayed blessedly empty. Bodhi kept up a steady stream of inane chatter, both to fill the silence and to keep Wedge from falling into the endless void of ‘what-if’ that Bodhi was well familiar with. One of the doctors came to check on him eventually, exhaustion settled on their shoulders. They checked his vitals again, shined a light in his eyes and sighed when he flinched. “You’re released Lieutenant. I’d recommend an appointment with a counselor, but I’ve given up on anyone in this Rebellion following my advice at this point. Let Rook get some rest at least.”_

_Wedge glanced over at Bodhi, and he bit his lip, that same sadness still lingering around his eyes. “I should thank you,” he said. Wedge took a breath. “Stars, you’d think I’d never been in a battle before. It shouldn’t - shouldn’t affect me anymore, right?”_

_Bodhi’s mouth twisted. “You’re still human, Wedge. You’re allowed to grieve.”_

_Wedge brushed his fingers over Bodhi’s hand one more time. “I’ll try to remember that. But still, thank you.”_

* * *

Bodhi stopped and looked back over his shoulder at Wedge, surprised to find that Wedge was watching him. Wedge raised the bottle, twitching it to his hairline in a careless salute. Bodhi nodded in return, warmth filling his chest. 

It wasn’t quite what he’d hoped for, but maybe it was less of a dismissal than he’d originally thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this_

**4 ABY, Alliance Command Base, Location: Classified**

“Command, this is shuttle RX-8605 requesting permission to land.”

“RX-8605, confirm. Right on schedule. You may proceed to landing pad H, forwarding coordinates to you now.”

“Coordinates received, Command.”

Wedge looked up from the report he was reviewing. He had an office, somewhere, but he liked being up in the control tower, seeing who was coming and going. It also made him a little harder to track down, which he counted as a significant bonus. He recognized Bodhi’s voice almost instantly, caught the edge of exhaustion threaded through it as well. He’d have to check Bodhi’s scheduling, make sure he got enough downtime before they threw him out to the other end of the galaxy again. It would help if people stopped requesting him as their shuttle pilot, though he didn’t blame them. Something about the man set people at ease, a rare commodity even now that they were supposedly winning the war against the last vestiges of the Empire. 

Wedge reached over and snagged a spare headset off the counter, settling it over his ears and clicking the comm on. “Good to have you home, Rogue One.”

There was a pause, a crackle of static over the line, then Bodhi’s voice cut back in, his smile audible. “Good to be back, _Captain_ Antilles.”

Wedge grinned and pulled the headset off of his ears. The control operator, a Togruta named Ashaat, was looking at him, her mouth twitching with a barely controlled smile and her rust-toned skin darkening. He leaned back in his chair, raising one eyebrow at her. “Don’t even start.”

She turned away, an aborted laugh escaping. “Of course, Sir. Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Wedge stood up from the desk he’d commandeered. He needed to stretch his legs, maybe grab something to eat. Maybe run into a certain pilot that he’d stupidly turned down a few months back. He’d spent most of the time since then wondering if Bodhi had been offering more than one night, or if that was just wishful thinking. 

He hadn’t wanted some celebratory fling, not with the ghosts of hundreds of Rebel pilots and Pathfinders clouding his mind. It might have been better if he could have said that, or said anything really, instead of brushing Bodhi off. The possibility of an actual relationship had felt like a dream for so long, the thought hadn’t even occurred to him at the time. Even now, allowing himself to want it was a struggle. He did, though. He didn’t know if he deserved a second chance, but that didn’t stop him from hoping for one.

* * *

Bodhi shoved his fork in his mouth, smacking Tycho’s arm as he tried to steal the roll off his tray. Wedge sat a few seats down from him, the rest of Rogue Squadron crowded around the table in the mess hall. They always managed to come together like that, some sort of internal magnet standard issue along with a taste for the reckless. Compared to the other pilots, Wedge couldn’t help but notice that Bodhi looked a little thinner, a byproduct of too many meals of ration bars and a tendency to get too wrapped up in things to remember to eat. The spectre of his grandmother rose up in Wedge and he had to fight down the urge to make Bodhi stay in one place long enough to fill out his frame a bit. 

Bodhi looked up and caught his eye, cheeks stuffed with food. It stunned Wedge a little, the sudden wave of _want_ flooding through him. He was used to the low buzz of attraction he felt for Bodhi, that had been there since he’d first seen him in medical, all soft eyes and dark hair. More than that, he’d been kind, holding Wedge’s hand when he felt like he was going to fly apart, his voice the only thing keeping Wedge even halfway coherent. 

There was something new building though, something beyond gratitude and the fleeting thought of pushing him up against a wall somewhere, stripping away layers and getting his hands on skin. This was a different sort of wanting, to just be with someone and be known by them. To be with Bodhi specifically, with his sun bright smile and horrible table manners. It scared the shit out of him, if he was being honest with himself. 

Wes’ voice rose in volume to be heard over the other pilots’ laughter. “Then Rook just drops his cards on the table and leans back. I swear that guy almost blew up - you could see the vein standing out on his forehead, like it was kriffing pulsing!” He leaned over, elbowing Bodhi in the side. He flinched and pulled his plate closer, guarding it from wayward arms. “And this mynock just sits there. We’re all just waiting for the guy to pull a blaster. Instead, he reaches over, grabs Rook by the front of his jacket, and kisses him right on the mouth.” Wes was cackling by then, drawing in great gulps of breath. “Then, he stands up, says ‘it was worth it for that, sweetheart’, throws down an extra twenty credits, and walks away.”

Bodhi chuckled. “He left his room number too, so it was worth my while as well.” Wes groaned and rolled his eyes, but Bodhi just grinned even wider, darting a glance over to Wedge. “What can I say, I can’t resist a Corellian.” 

Hobbie crowed with delight and almost fell off his chair. Bodhi turned to grab for him, but Wedge was faster, just catching one of the straps on his flight suit. “Watch out, buddy. Wasn't funny enough to end up in medbay over.”

Hobbie pulled himself back upright and stood up from his chair. “Thanks, boss. I ought to get back to work anyway, _someone’s_ been on my case about mission reports that need writing.” He saluted the rest of the squad and clapped Bodhi on the back with one hand. “Catch you later, Bo. Maybe we’ll set up a friendly card game if you can stay on base more than one day.”

Bodhi waved him off. “Yeah, I’ll see what I can do. Gotta make nice with our favorite Corellian, maybe he’ll put in a good word for me.” He looked over at Wedge and winked, offering a cheeky sort of grin. 

The telltale heat of embarrassment crept over Wedge’s face, and he knew he was about to resemble a muja fruit. Force knew he’d suffered enough embarrassing moments over the years, but he didn’t think he could handle them teasing him about Bodhi for the next six months. 

Wedge pushed his chair back and stood up. “Alright then. That sounds like my cue to leave as well. I've got my own missions to plan, so you’ll have to seduce someone else for favors.” It came out harsher than he intended, but he couldn’t figure out how to soften it without shoving his foot further down his throat. The look Tycho shot him made it clear that it hadn’t gone unnoticed. He’d deal with that later, once Bodhi’s dark eyes weren’t staring up at him in confusion.

Wedge walked out of the mess hall, shaking his head at the catcalls the other pilots were shouting good-naturedly at his back. He made it about halfway down the corridor before Bodhi caught up to him, jogging up and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, I was just messing with you. You didn’t need to leave on my account.” He looked worried, a sudden tenseness through his shoulders that Wedge held back from commenting on. 

Wedge shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them out of trouble. “You're fine. I was actually meaning to check your scheduling. You must be due for some off time.” He paused, then plowed ahead, shoving all his credits into the pot. “Let me know if I should try to coordinate your leave around anyone else's schedule.”

Bodhi shrugged, but he pulled his hand back from Wedge's shoulder like he'd just realized they were still touching. “Guess I could try to catch up with Jyn and Cassian or something, if they'll have me.”

Wedge’s brain helpfully played that thought out for all it was worth before he could stop it; Bodhi caught between Andor and the infamous Jyn Erso. He could appreciate the aesthetic of it, even as jealousy flooded through him. Bodhi gave him a strange look and he wondered just how transparent he was. It was a good thing he was a pilot; he'd make a terrible spy.

Forcing a smile back onto his face, Wedge shrugged. “Whatever works for you, I suppose.”

"I know, they're a bit much for some people's taste, I think Wes calls them weaponized madness, but what can I say, escaping near-death together really bonds you." He shrugged and gave Wedge a half smile. “You know how it is.”

He did know that feeling, that fine webbing that seemed to stretch between himself and the rest of Rogue Squadron. It didn't particularly extend to wanting to spend the rest of his life with any of them. An open invitation to someone's bed wasn't love. Once upon a time he'd thought that maybe something could happen with Luke, but the feeling lodged in his chest for Bodhi had killed that idea.

Wedge winced and attempted a laugh. “Ha. Yeah. They're quite a pair. Made for each other.” Not made for Bodhi, in his opinion, but he wouldn't be the one to tell Bodhi that. 

“How is Luke, anyway? Any luck there?" Bodhi asked. 

“Luke's trying to save the galaxy. Not much time for little old me.” Luke wasn't the one he wanted but he didn't know how to convince Bodhi of that. When he thought of lazy mornings in bed it wasn’t Luke’s face he saw.

Bodhi frowned. Wedge told himself not to read into it, Bodhi was the type to think the best of everyone. “You're worth the effort, Wedge. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even the savior of the galaxy.” 

He clasped Wedge's arm briefly, setting off a chain reaction of longing and regret that made Wedge want to pull Bodhi into his arms and run away in equal measure. A million thoughts ran through his mind, led by the ever present thought that he was an idiot for not kissing Bodhi when he'd had the chance. He smiled softly. “Okay, Bo, whatever you say.”

Wedge gestured down the hall with his head. “Hey, I should get going. Maybe we can catch up later.” He started to walk away and then turned back toward Bodhi, walking backwards for a few steps. “It was good to see you, Bodhi.”

Bodhi rubbed the back of his neck, chewing on his lip. “Yeah, Wedge. See you around.” He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something else, then shook his head and turned back toward the mess hall. Wedge didn't stick around to watch him walk away, deciding to head toward the flight deck and the grounding force of his X-wing. Maybe if he flew fast enough he could outrun the creeping feeling that he was a coward.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _but everything is shattering, and it's my mistake_

**5 ABY - En Route to Galactic Senate (Classified Location)**

The shuttle jumped to hyperspace smoothly, the comforting rush of stars and planets blurred out into little more than white lines past the viewscreen. Bodhi cracked his neck and leaned back in his chair, almost jumping out of his skin when a soft cough broke through the quiet of the cockpit. 

“Don't have a heart attack, Rook. I’m too gigantic to be flying shuttles right now.” Leia walked over to the co-pilot seat and collapsed into it with a groan of relief. The look she shot at Bodhi knocked the argument right out of his mouth. She was hardly gigantic, though the smooth curve of her stomach jutting out seemed more pronounced because of her short frame. Personally, Bodhi thought it suited her, a certain softness to her features that had gotten lost since the first time they had met. 

Miming zipping his lips, Bodhi turned his chair and put his feet up on the console. He caught the bare hint of a smile out of the corner of his eye, then dropped his head onto his shoulder to look at Leia directly. “Promise I'll get us there safely, Princess, even if you don't supervise.” He winked for good measure, folding his hands together over his stomach. 

“Oh don't start with that Princess nonsense. I only let Han get away with it because he's ten times worse when I complain.”

Bodhi grinned. “And because you love him.”

Leia made a face and waved dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, that too.”

Laughing, Bodhi turned his face back toward the mind numbing emptiness of hyperspace. “He's bringing hope to all the romantics in the galaxy, if a scoundrel like that can settle down then the rest of us should have more than a fighting chance.”

Leia's smile was wistful. “Settled. Sure.” Then she turned gaze to Bodhi and he would swear the rumors about her using the Force were true because it felt like she could see right to the heart of him. “I'm not the only one missing their scoundrel Corellian.”

“He's hardly mine, is he?” Bodhi asked. They both knew who they were talking about and pretending otherwise wasn't worth the effort. 

Leia's gaze didn't waver. “I think you might be surprised by his answer, if you ever took your head out of your ass long enough to ask.”

Bodhi dropped his feet to the floor and stood up. He reached for his goggles out of habit before remembering that they were long gone, lost and never replaced somewhere along the way. “I did ask. He wasn't interested. Well, he was interested in someone, but it certainly wasn't me.”

Leia moved to stand, groaning when the movement twisted her back. She settled for glaring up at Bodhi instead. “You're both idiots.”

Bodhi threw up his hands. “Great. Thanks for that. It doesn't matter anyway, he could be kriffing dead for all anyone will tell me where he is.” He fought back the tightness in his chest, the helplessness that had settled into his bones over the last few months.

Leia reached out for him, grasping his hand and pulling him closer. Her mouth softened and her voice was quiet, even with just the two of them on the shuttle. “He's alive. I can tell you that much.” Her voice grew a little stronger then and she covered his hand with both of her own. “And you're still both idiots.”

Bodhi laughed through the choked feeling in his throat. “Whatever you say, General. Now, tell me what ridiculous name Solo wants to give this poor kid.”

Leia rolled her eyes. “Oh kriff, Rook, you wouldn't even believe.”

* * *

**Later 5 ABY, Chandrila Medical Facility**

Bodhi set the shuttle down and closed his eyes, groaning as he stretched his arms up over his head. He wasn't sure what to expect; Tycho’s voice had been strained when he asked Bodhi to act as medical transport for Wedge, but maybe he was just tired of being in charge. They were letting Wedge out of the rehabilitation center at least, so he must have made some progress toward recovery. 

For the thousandth time, Bodhi wondered if it would have been worth it to tell Wedge how he felt before he'd gone off to Akiva and gotten captured. That was irrelevant though, as were the months where no one had known if Wedge was alive. He couldn't do anything about the past. 

The inside of the medical facility was as clean and impersonal as any Bodhi had been in over the years. He'd used the sonic on the transport, but he still felt the urge to scrub his hands clean again, years worth of engine grease embedded in the cracks of his fingers and under his nails. The attendant that met him at the door didn't seem to notice, though perhaps Chandrillans were just more adept at maintaining a calm exterior. Senator Mothma certainly was, he couldn't remember ever seeing her flustered, at least not in public. In private those walls tended to tumble down, not that Bodhi would begrudge the woman a few tears. She'd certainly earned them over the course of the war. 

The attendant led Bodhi to a waiting area. “Captain Antilles should be ready shortly. I believe he is just having a final review with the therapist.”

Bodhi settled into a chair to wait, glad that no one else was there to watch him rattle his knee against the chair leg and pick at his fingernails. Beyond the excitement of seeing Wedge again and the relief of knowing he was alive and mostly whole, Bodhi finally had the chance to talk to Wedge again. He had decided that it was time to say how he felt in no uncertain terms and see where the cards fell, even if it scared him out of his mind. 

The door to the waiting area opened, a teenage boy stumbling out walking backwards and talking to someone who was coming through the door much more slowly. Wedge had his head down, focusing more on the cane in his hand than the chattering of the teenager, but Bodhi felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight of that dark mop of hair. 

All the sleepless nights of wondering whether or not Wedge was alive, all the moments of beating himself up for not taking the chance, they all faded away, overwhelmed by relief that Wedge was here, and alive. 

Bodhi jumped up, his body halfway across the waiting area before he even realized he was moving. 

“Snap, stop jumping around like a jakrab! I can barely keep steady without your bouncing.” Wedge looked up, and Bodhi could see the dark circles under his eyes, the tightness of his jaw as he navigated the doorway with his cane. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to drag Wedge away from this war, New Republic be damned. 

Then Wedge met his eyes, and the grin breaking across his face made him look five years younger. “Bo. What are you - you're my transport?”

Bodhi’s heart started hammering as he moved to meet Wedge. All the things he was desperate to confess caught in his throat, and he decided to wait until they had a bit more privacy. Striving to seem casual, he said, “Yeah, Tycho - Tycho commed me, said you needed a lift.” 

Wedge flinched and Bodhi felt it hit him like a blaster shot. Of course Wedge wouldn't want to be reminded that he wasn't cleared for flight yet. Bodhi winced. “Sorry. If it means anything, I'm really glad to see with my own eyes that you're alive. I was starting to think that Leia was using you as bait to keep me with the Rebellion.”

Wedge shook his head. “No, it's fine. I’m glad it's you. At least you won't give me a hard time about getting captured.”

He'd ask who was giving Wedge a hard time, but he knew who Wedge's friends were. Humor was how the Rogues worked through their trauma. It wasn't ideal, but it worked for them. Their therapists could deal with the suppressed grief once the war was over, if any of them made it that far. As it was, Wedge being grounded probably boosted his life expectancy by about thirty five percent. 

Before Bodhi could say anything else, a woman came up behind Wedge and placed her hand on his shoulder. She was arguably beautiful, silver and black hair framing an angular jaw. A quick glance between her and the teenage boy was enough to see that they were related, the eye roll he shot her way lending credence toward mother and son. For half a second Bodhi thought she was Wedge's nurse, then she leaned in and kissed his cheek. Unless Chandrillans were overly familiar as well as calm under pressure, that woman was not part of the staff. 

Bodhi’s hand clenched at his side as he fought the embarrassing urge to shove the woman away from Wedge. Wedge wasn’t his. They had no claim on each other. No matter how much Bodhi might wish differently.

“Speaking of people giving me a hard time, this is Norra. Norra, this is Bodhi. He's a friend of mine, and our pilot.”

Friend. _Our_ pilot. Bodhi felt all his excitement, all his anticipation, all the hope he had for a future with Wedge leave him in a rush. Numbly, Bodhi held out his hand. “Pleased to meet you, Norra. I hope the shuttle isn't too cramped for all of us, I thought I was only picking up Wedge.”

Norra’s handshake was firm, but she smiled at Bodhi all the same. He had a feeling that she could read him better than Wedge had ever managed. It didn't matter; if Wedge had found someone that made him happy, he wouldn't interfere. Especially not with a kid thrown into the mix, he didn't deserve that.

“The shuttle's ready whenever you are.”

Bodhi was too late, and he was just going to have to live with that.

* * *

He only felt a little bad for hiding in the cockpit during the flight back. Wedge had plenty of helping hands without him getting involved. Norra came up a few times and tried to make conversation and Bodhi did his best to be pleasant, but he was fairly certain that she knew why he was hiding. 

Snap was easier to talk to, a million questions about what sorts of ships he had flown, and if he flew an X-wing like Wedge. It helped that he was oblivious to the tension between the rest of them, or at least better at hiding it than they were. And he thought Wedge hung the moon. Bodhi kept the thought to himself, but he couldn’t help but agree with Snap. Wedge deserved adoration. 

Back on base, Bodhi watched as the rest of Rogue Squadron fell over each other to see their commander again. Tycho looked relieved to give up the authority that had fallen to him while Wedge was away, and Wedge looked glad to have it back, a little bit of his old life settling into his hands. As everyone started to drift back to work, he sent Norra and Snap to see about getting assigned rooms and then turned to Bodhi, nervously biting his lip. 

“I appreciate the ride back. Sorry to spring the extra passengers on you last minute like that.” 

Bodhi tried to smile, but he knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s fine. Part of the job I guess.”

Frowning, Wedge took a step back. “Right. Of course.” He adjusted his grip on his cane, wincing slightly. “Sorry, I think I need to get off my leg for a while. I - I guess I’ll see you around?” He let out a small laugh. “Don’t think I’ll be going anywhere for a while.” 

Bodhi stepped forward and offered his hand to Wedge to shake. “Actually, I’m headed off again.” Wedge looked at his hand, forehead wrinkling. Bodhi pulled it back, taking a few steps away and rubbing the back of his neck. He desperately needed to get out of there. He pressed his lips together briefly and shook his head. “I - Well... Goodbye, Wedge.”

He didn’t turn back to see if Wedge was watching him leave. Neither option would put his heart back together.

* * *

**6 ABY, Hotel Manarai, Coruscant**

A man could forget a lot of his problems with the right sort of prompting. For the specific problem of Wedge Antilles and a broken heart, Cassian and Jyn were only too happy to help clear Bodhi's mind. 

Jyn arched her back, pushing up against Bodhi’s mouth. He gripped her knees, holding her against the bed while he sucked a series of bruises into the skin of her hip, temptingly close to where she wanted him, but not close enough. She ran her hands through his hair and tugged, her breath coming out in short, sharp bursts. She wouldn’t ask him to move, Bodhi knew that from experience. 

Cassian always seemed to know what she wanted, whether it was Bodhi’s mouth or his cock or his hands. It was easier to trust Cassian to sort them out, especially when Bodhi had more than enough conflicting thoughts running through his head. He knew Cassian would take care of them, when he was ready. Then Bodhi could stop thinking, for awhile at least.

They fit together, in a certain way, and Bodhi knew that they would take him and keep him if he ever decided that they were what he wanted. He loved them, brave and strong and brighter than the stars, but he wasn’t in love with them. On a good day, he knew the difference. 

With Cassian pushing into him, slow and steady and sure, with Jyn’s feral grin smiling up and waiting for a kiss, he knew that they felt the same. Lovers, but not in love. For a certain time, it was enough. 

After, Jyn dangled her legs over the edge of the bed and Bodhi laid his head in her lap, her deft fingers working the knots from his hair. Cassian disappeared and returned with a damp cloth, wiping him down with a promise of a real water ‘fresher later. He laid down on Jyn’s other side and kissed the top of Bodhi’s head. He could feel the pieces of himself slowly slotting back into place with each gentle touch, a simple reassurance that he was safe with them.

Jyn touched curved her palm against his cheek and smiled down at him. “Alright, are you ready to talk yet?”

Groaning, Bodhi moved to turn over. “No, no talking. I’m not here for therapy.”

Cassian chuckled. “It’s funny how you think that’s true.”

Jyn wound a lock of his hair around her finger and tugged teasingly. “The sooner you talk, the sooner we can have sex again. Maybe I’ll even fuck you this time.”

Bodhi dragged his hands over his face and tilted his head back to look at Cassian. “Your wife is cruel.”

“That’s why I love her so much. Now spill. You looked like someone ran over your dog earlier, and while I’m glad to have knocked that expression off your face, I still want to know what happened.” 

Bodhi sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He dropped his head into his hands, elbows pressed to his knees. “Wedge is seeing someone. Norra Wexley.”

Jyn leaned over and pressed herself against Bodhi’s back. “Oh, I think I know her, didn’t she help rescue Solo?”

Bodhi tipped further forward, his voice harsh. “Of course she did. I’m sure she’s perfect. They’ll have a perfect life, her and Wedge and Snap, have some more babies and rebuild the Republic all on their own.”

Cassian climbed off the bed and knelt before Bodhi, sliding his hands up Bodhi’s arms. “Oh, Bodhi...”

Bodhi pushed Cassian’s hands away, straightening up and dislodging Jyn. “I don’t want your pity. It’s my own damn fault for waiting. I knew he’d find someone eventually.”

“It’s not pity. We care about you. You deserve someone who’ll fight for you, and if he’s not willing to do that, he isn't good enough for you anyway.” Jyn didn't try to touch him again, but she reached for Cassian, pulling him over and into her arms. Cassian moved, still on his knees, until he could tip his head against her stomach. 

Bodhi felt jealousy surge through him, but it wasn't for wanting Jyn or Cassian or both of them. He wanted what they had, that knowledge of what the other person needed. He wanted that with Wedge, but he couldn't have it. 

Bodhi stood up, wrapping a sheet around his waist as if they’d ever needed modesty. “I should go. I won't be good company and I don't want you to spend the weekend worrying about me anyway.” He leaned down and kissed them, one after the other, the only apologies he could offer. “Thank you. For the distraction, and for listening.” 

Cassian stood and watched him gather his clothes. “Bodhi. You don’t have to go. We just want you to be happy.”

Bodhi stopped and gave a half hearted smile. “I know, and I love you for that. But losing myself in this isn’t helping anything and we all know it.”

As he walked back to his shuttle, Bodhi looked around the city, a billion people living their lives, happy or sad or indifferent. He wanted Wedge to be happy, he just needed time to accept that it wouldn’t be with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _don't give a fuck, not giving up, I still want it all_

**6 ABY, Yavin IV**

The sound of a shuttle landing pulled Wedge back from the edge of sleep. He was lying on his back, under the tree that Luke and Shara had planted on Yavin. It was supposed to have something to do with the Force, not that it meant anything one way or the other to Wedge. People were surprised when he said he felt no connection to the Force, especially after he said he was a pilot, but laying there, looking up at the sun filtering down through the leaves, all he could feel was that his peaceful getaway was about to get complicated. 

Kes’ son, Poe, turned and snuffled against Wedge's chest, opening his mouth to let a pool of saliva seep out onto his shirt. He might have minded, if the boy was anything but adorable and full of love for the galaxy. Wedge already had a soft spot for Poe, a common trait among pilots according to Shara. Maybe they were just glad to see a little spot of happiness flourishing. 

Shara walked up then and stood over him, kicking against the bottom of his boot lightly. “Get up, we’ve got company.”

“ _I’m_ company,” he grumbled, but he held out his hand for Shara to help pull him up regardless. 

 

Poe lifted his head, hair sticking up in five directions. “Whazzat don’ needa nap.” 

Wedge chuckled, and shifted Poe higher on his hip, so he could put his head down on Wedge’s shoulder. “‘Course you don’t. Naps are for babies and old men.”

Shara patted him on the cheek and winked. “Which one are you again?”

She ducked away from his swatting hand and jogged over to the shuttle that had landed in their yard, it's ramp slowly descending. Wedge walked up more slowly, his breath catching in his chest as he saw the shuttle designation stamped on the outside of the ship. Of course it was Bodhi, back to haunt him one more time. 

Nothing could prepare him for the look on Bodhi’s face when he turned and saw Wedge walking over. Wide eyed shock slipped into a slight smile, too far away for Wedge to judge it’s sincerity. Since the transport off of Chandrila, he hadn't seen Bodhi for more than half an hour and even those encounters had been tense. They were both busy, but the darker corners of Wedge's mind suspected it was his fault somehow. He wished he knew what he had done, so he could make things right. 

Poe’s weight in his arms was grounding, a welcome barrier between him and Bodhi. It was amazing what comfort that provided, even though Poe was slightly sweaty and breathing damply against his shoulder. Bodhi looked a little shell-shocked still, but he looked at Poe fondly, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Hey big guy. Found yourself a new friend?” 

Shara chuckled. “He’s built quite the collection, that’s for sure.”

Bodhi drew his gaze up to Wedge, smiling warily. “Wedge. Didn’t, uh, expect to see you here.” 

Kes came jogging out of the house then, catapulting himself at Bodhi and lifting him up into the air. “Bo! Hey, glad you could make it, buddy!”

Bodhi groaned, smacking Kes lightly until he put Bodhi back onto his feet. 

“Hey, I was promised home cooking, I’m not dumb enough to turn that down, Dameron.” 

“You only love me for my food,” Kes said, overdramatic as usual. Bodhi laughed and pushed Kes toward the house. “You’re completely right, just food and your fine ass walking away.” 

Shara threw an arm around Bodhi’s shoulders and kissed his cheek. “Keep your hands off the merchandise, Rook, that boy’s already sold. You can touch Wedge’s ass if you’re that hard up.” 

Bodhi glanced back over his shoulder at Wedge, his smile dimming. “Pretty sure that’s not on offer, Shara.” 

Shara sighed and grumbled something under her breath that sounded a little like ‘idiots’. Wedge shook his head and walked toward the house, Poe growing heavier by the minute and apparently fast asleep once more.

* * *

“So, General Antilles, how's life now that the war's over?” Bodhi stopped eating long enough to ask. 

Wedge rolled his eyes. “I believe it's ‘former General’ now, for all the good that title gave me. Didn't stop them from pushing me into retirement when I went against orders on Jakku, no matter how many lives it saved.” Shara reached out and put her hand over Wedge’s on the table, looking at him with concern. 

“Sorry, Shara. I know I promised to keep politics out of here.” He gave her an apologetic smile, but she just patted his hand and went back to eating. 

“Tell us about your new job instead, you're based on Hosnian Prime, right?”

Wedge nodded. “Yeah. Training up a whole new generation of pilots. Hopefully, they won't ever have to fight like we did. Hardly makes me feel like the war's over, all those innocent faces looking up at me.”

From beside Kes, Poe piped up brightly. “Will you teach me to fly someday, Uncle Wedge? Mom lets me sit in her lap sometimes, but it's not the same thing really.”

Wedge chuckled. “You'll have to talk to your parents about that. Your mom still thinks she can outfly me.”

Across the table, Bodhi snorted softly. When Wedge looked over, he was staring down at his plate, biting his lip and smirking softly. He looked up and caught Wedge watching him, both of them staring for a moment before Kes cleared his throat.

“What have you been up to, Bo?”

Bodhi pulled his eyes away, turning toward Kes. “You know me, just going wherever they send me mostly. Caught up with Cassian and Jyn on Coruscant a couple months ago, which was...interesting, to say the least.” Bodhi's eyes darted to Poe, happily mashing all the food on his plate together and occasionally licking a bit off his fingers. The pause in Bodhi's comment made Wedge curious. What did that mean, interesting? Wedge knew that the three of them had been together in the past, but Cassian and Jyn were married now. Surely that changed things.

“Uncle Wedge, why is your face all red? Are you having a ‘lergic reaction? Mom says that happens sometimes when you eat different food. Then you have to go to the doctor and they shoot you!” 

Wedge choked. Shara tutted at Poe, shaking her head. “I said they have to _get_ a shot, remember the difference, love? And leave Wedge alone, he probably just needs another nap.”

Wedge scowled. “I’m fine. It’s just...hot in here.”

The look Shara gave him said he wasn’t fooling anyone. Then she smirked. “So, did I hear that Temmin’s in your class this year? That must be a little awkward, considering what happened with Norra.”

Bodhi dropped his fork. 

“It’s fine. Snap’s a good kid. Old enough to understand that sometimes these things don’t work out.” Wedge didn’t dare look at Bodhi, even though he could feel Bodhi staring at him. He didn’t appreciate Shara airing that out at the dinner table, and he was certain she could hear that in his tone. Kes laughed. “Yeah, well having your husband show up alive again does tend to sour a relationship.”

Wedge put his fork down. Suddenly his appetite was gone, no matter how good Kes’ cooking was. “I think I will go lay down for a bit, if you don’t mind.” He pushed his chair back and stood up, glancing only once at the stricken expression on Bodhi’s face. He refused to get his hopes up again. He didn’t think he could survive another broken heart.

* * *

Wedge should have known that Shara was up to something when she shooed him out of the house a few days later. 

_“I don't know, Antilles, go to the lake or something. Maybe you'll drown and we can all stop watching you moon over Bodhi whenever he isn't looking.”_

Of course Bodhi was at the lake, floating with his face tipped up to the sky and his hair floating in a pitch black corona around his shoulders. Wedge was all set to turn around and wander back to the house, figuring that he could hide out under the tree for a couple hours before anyone bothered to come look for him. That was obviously the moment that Bodhi stood up, looking like every wet dream Wedge had ever had with water sliding over his chest and down the dark line of hair that disappeared into the lake. 

The fact that he didn't look surprised to see Wedge should have been a sign. 

“Shara or Kes?” Bodhi asked, pulling his hair back into a ponytail and securing it with a band from around his wrist. 

Wedge coughed, his face heating as he watched the flex of Bodhi's arms. “Shara. You?”

Bodhi grinned. “Kes. I wonder if they think they're being subtle.”

Shrugging, Wedge tugged at the hem of his shirt. “Who can tell with those two. I can go if you want. I don't want to interrupt your swim.”

Bodhi frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “No!” he said, a little too loudly. He closed his eyes and took a breath, then spoke again, quieter. “No, you don't have to go. Plenty of lake to go around.”

The corner of Wedge's mouth tilted up, endeared by Bodhi's enthusiasm. “If you're sure.” He grinned then, voice taking on a teasing note. “I didn't think you desert boys could swim, to be honest.”

Bodhi wrinkled his nose. “Oh, you’re hilarious. I've learned a fair number of new tricks over the years, thank you very much.”

Wedge reached down to pull his shirt over his head, mentally congratulating himself when he caught Bodhi watching with his mouth half open. Whatever Bodhi’s issue was, it wasn’t lack of attraction keeping them apart. Maybe he just didn’t want anything serious. If what Wedge imagined about Bodhi and Cassian and Jyn was true, then maybe Bodhi just wasn’t ready to settle down yet. 

He’d gladly give Bodhi an open invitation to his bed, it had worked for him and Luke once upon a time. Sharing Bodhi with someone else was a different thing entirely, and the idea threatened to choke him. Wedge sighed to himself and stripped down to his underwear, stepping forward into the water. 

Bodhi swam around a little as Wedge worked his way deeper into the lake, his arms moving smoothly through the water. After a moment he paused, treading water to stay afloat. “Sorry to hear about you and Norra. Are you - are you alright?” 

Wedge ducked his head under the water and came back up, pushing his hair back from his face. He had a hard time looking at Bodhi, at the concern written in his features. “I’m fine, really. Even if she hadn’t met back up with Brentin, I don’t think it would have worked out between us.”

Now that he was with Bodhi, all the feelings that he’d pushed down brought back to the surface, some of the comments that Norra had made when they were together made more sense. Like how it felt like he was settling for her. Wedge hadn’t been all that surprised that it ended, it was just the _husband_ part that gave him pause.

Bodhi nodded, then swam a little closer. “Are you seeing anyone else? I saw Luke about a week ago, maybe now’s your chance with him.” 

Wedge fought back the urge to groan. He did not understand why Bodhi was fixated with Luke, but he needed to put it to bed once and for all. “There was never anywhere to get with Luke, honestly. Maybe we relieved some stress once upon a time, but he’s not… He’s not right for me.”

“I know the feeling.” 

There was a splash, and then Bodhi was floating beside him again, his body spinning in a slow circle. He didn’t look at Wedge, just spoke toward the open blue of the sky. “I wonder some days, if it’s worth the effort trying to find the right person.” He let out a chuckle and Wedge could hear the edge of sarcasm in his voice. “Anyways, if you use your left hand, you can half pretend it's someone else touching you.”

Bodhi’s circle came around again, his legs drifting close enough for Wedge to touch. He reached out and wrapped his hand around one of Bodhi’s ankles. He was tired of looking and not touching. Maybe he’d missed his chance at forever. Maybe it had never been an option, Wedge couldn’t tell anymore. Right now, though, right now was starting to look pretty damn tempting. He already had nothing; the worst that could happen would be for that to continue to be true. ‘Screw caution’, he thought. Out loud he said, “I’m sure you’ve got plenty of offers Bodhi, but I've got two free hands if you’re tired of pretending.” 

Bodhi’s head shot up, his feet sinking with the motion. Wedge let go of his ankle, letting Bodhi’s feet drift down to the bottom of the lake. He was watching Wedge cautiously, like he was waiting for the sky to fall.

“You’re hilarious.” His eyes searched Wedge’s face for a moment and then his mouth curved into a slowly spreading smile. “Wait. You’re serious, aren’t you? Wedge, I -”

“Listen, it’s no secret that we’re attracted to each other. And we’re both free, for once. So, why not? It doesn’t - it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Bodhi stepped closer, his hands brushing against Wedge’s before he slotted their fingers together. “Two free hands. That's a terrible line you know. I can't believe I'm going to fall for it.” Bodhi pulled Wedge's hands up to his mouth, kissing each palm in turn. He ducked his head, then looked up at Wedge through his eyelashes. “You sure? No harm done if you change your mind.” 

Wedge could only nod, struck dumb. Up close, Bodhi was even more beautiful, freckles that Wedge had never noticed sprayed across the straight line of his nose, water beading on the surface of his skin, eyes that grew darker by the second. “I’m sure.” He took a breath, trying hopelessly to convince himself he believed his own words, even as he used their joined hands to tug Bodhi closer. 

In the end, it was Bodhi that finished closing the distance between them, brushing his mouth against Wedge’s hesitantly. Wedge made a noise like a desperate man, letting go of Bodhi's hands to clutch at his shoulders. The next kiss was deeper, mouths parting only to draw in air. Bodhi settled his hands on Wedge's hips, fingers digging into his skin in pulses that sent a spark of heat through Wedge. He wanted bruises left behind, evidence that this had happened and it wasn't some cruel daydream. 

Wedge slid his hand from Bodhi's shoulder to his jaw, the rhythm of Bodhi's tongue in his mouth echoed there. He never wanted this to end, but it still wasn’t enough. The promise had been for his hands, so Wedge put them to use, pushing at the waistband of Bodhi's underwear and grasping the curve of his ass. Bodhi's cock slid against Wedge's stomach and he moaned, pulling his mouth away and dropping his head against Wedge's shoulder. 

“Please, touch me,” Bodhi said, panting softly, the movement of his hips sending the water rippling away from them. 

Wedge worked a hand between them, breath catching in his throat at how warm Bodhi's skin felt even in the cool water. He closed his fingers around Bodhi's cock and Bodhi's knees buckled, falling heavily against him. 

Wedge staggered back, unbalanced with Bodhi practically boneless in his arms. It broke the tension that had been building, a soft laugh escaping from Wedge. “Maybe we should move this to dry land, I don't think I can hold us both up.”

Bodhi straightened up, recovering his senses. He reached down to pull his underwear back up, dislodging Wedge's hand and linking their fingers together. “That's probably a smart idea, drowning mid-orgasm wouldn't be my preferred way to go.” He chuckled. “A memorable obituary, though.”

Wedge closed his eyes and looked up at the sky, shoulders shaking with laughter. He’d spent so long going back and forth wanting Bodhi that he’d almost forgotten that he _liked_ him, ridiculous sense of humor and all. Bodhi tugged on his hand and leaned in to brush a chaste kiss across his lips. “Come on, I’ve got a couple of towels we can lay out.” 

They climbed out of the water and found a flat grassy area to lay the towels down on. Wedge tried not to stare, but the sight of Bodhi’s wet underwear clinging to his thighs, the heavy outline of his cock in front, made his brain want to short circuit. Finally satisfied with the towels, Bodhi lowered himself down onto the ground, biting his lip as Wedge dropped to his knees and pushed Bodhi onto his back. He hovered over Bodhi for a moment, then tugged at his underwear. “Take these off, I want to see you,” Wedge said, his voice pitched low. 

Bodhi scrambled to push them down, bringing his hands up to Wedge’s waist to strip his off as well. He wished he could capture a holo of how Bodhi looked in this moment - all easy smiles and lean lines, dark hair covering his chest and stomach, the faint sheen of sweat making his skin glow. His memory would have to be enough though, suggestive holos weren’t something shared with casual lovers. Bodhi dragged his hands up Wedge’s waist and around his back, pulling Wedge down to lay between his legs. Wedge leaned his weight on one arm, bringing the other down to take them both in hand. Bodhi moaned, reaching up to pull Wedge’s mouth to his own. The kiss was more panting breaths than anything else, but the noises that Bodhi was making more than made up for it. 

Wedge hardly worried about touching himself, concentrating more on what made Bodhi gasp than his own pleasure. He was surprised at how quickly Bodhi spilled over his fingers, his back arching against the ground. The sight alone practically threw him over the edge, and it only took a few strokes of his hand before he came. His arms threatened to give out, but he pushed at Bodhi’s leg and collapsed to one side at the last second. 

Bodhi grinned and threw an arm up to cover his eyes, turning his face toward Wedge. He looked beautiful, covered in sweat and come, bits of grass clinging to his arm. Wedge fought back every instinct that was screaming at him to bare his heart. He was the one that said it didn’t have to mean anything. He couldn’t change the rules now. 

Instead, he crooked his elbow and rested his face on his hand, leaning forward to kiss Bodhi one last time. He forced himself to smile lazily, to let out a small laugh. He could at least pretend that he wasn’t affected. “Well, that was fun. We should definitely do that again sometime.” 

Bodhi’s smile fell a little, or possibly Wedge just imagined that it did. Bodhi groaned lightly and sat up, bringing his knees up to his chest. He crossed his arms over them and rested his chin there, looking out across the lake. “Yeah. Definitely should.”

Wedge rolled onto this back, not looking at Bodhi. His self-preservation instincts kicked in. “Just warn me if there’s going to be someone else in your bed the next time I see you.”

Bodhi’s voice was muffled when he replied. “Right. Of course.” 

Then he stood up and stretched, offering his hand to Wedge to help him stand. “Come on, we ought to get cleaned up before we head back.” He let go of Wedge’s hand and stepped back into the lake, swimming out toward the center. Wedge closed his eyes and swallowed past the lump in his throat, then followed Bodhi into the water. He had the distinct feeling that he had missed something, but he didn’t know what it was.

The walk back to the house was quiet. It was better that way, Wedge wasn’t sure what other idiocy would come out of his mouth if Bodhi pressed. Nothing good, in any case.

* * *

Later, at dinner, Shara turned to Wedge with a smug smile tugging at her lips. “So, did you two have a good swim today?” Wedge looked up from his plate, catching Bodhi’s eye and trying to keep from grinning idiotically. 

Kes chuckled lowly and nudged Wedge with his foot under the table. “Must have been nice out, but I think you got too much sun. Your face is really red today.”

Bodhi let out a snort, choked, and covered his mouth with his hand. Beside him, Poe looked up, confused. “Do you need a drink, Uncle Bo? I can go get you some water.”

Bodhi pulled his hand away, dragging in a breath. He put his arm around Poe’s shoulder and patted his arm. “I’m fine, kiddo. Thanks for asking though. At least _someone_ at this table has good manners.”

* * *

Wedge lay on his bed, hands folded over his chest. Dinner had been awkward, afterwards even more so. He could feel Shara’s eyes on him constantly, and he knew why Luke planted that damn Force tree here because she could read him like an open book. He didn’t know why they left Bodhi alone about the whole thing, though he and Kes had ducked into the kitchen at one point, disappearing for several minutes under the pretense of getting dessert. He should have known that touching Bodhi was a terrible idea, living out some fantasy that they were together only to see what he was missing. 

The door creaked open and Wedge turned toward it, unable to stop the soft smile as Bodhi ducked into the room, even though Bodhi could barely see his face with only the moon shining in for light. If anything, that made it easier to smile, and certainly easier to pull Bodhi against him under the covers, only a soft t-shirt and underwear between them. They hadn’t planned this, but somehow he’d been waiting for it all the same

He tipped his face up as Bodhi kissed him, sliding his hands into Bodhi’s hair and tugging his hair tie free. “They’re going to know you’re in here,” he said, turning so he was facing Bodhi. 

Bodhi pulled back, dropping his head down onto the pillow. “They’re going to tease us mercilessly anyway, we might as well get something out of it.” 

He ran his knuckles over Wedge’s cheek, his face cut with shadows. They’d been completely naked together earlier, but that simple touch somehow seemed more intimate. Wedge couldn’t tell if Bodhi looked sad or if it was a trick of the light, but he didn’t want to do anything to make Bodhi stop. He was sure he’d screw this up at some point, so he was going to make every moment count while it lasted. 

Bodhi shifted closer, pulling him into another kiss. Bodhi didn’t seem to want to let go, drawing their mouths together again and again, breathing roughly against his lips. Wedge tugged at Bodhi’s shirt, sliding it up so he could get his hands underneath, his palms against Bodhi’s spine. Bodhi tore his mouth away, kissing down Wedge’s chin and nipping at his neck. He slid closer, slotting his thigh between Wedge’s legs, pushing him onto his back. Bodhi lifted himself up, hovering over Wedge, mouth working like he wanted to say something. Wedge reached up and pushed Bodhi’s hair back over his shoulder, cupping his hand against Bodhi’s neck. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Bodhi shook his head, mouth curling up into the hint of a smile. “Nothing. Just...want you.” 

Wedge slipped his hand around the back of Bodhi’s neck and pulled him down onto his chest. “Good news. I want you too. I doubt there’s much in the way of supplies in the guest room though, so I hope you aren’t looking for anything too involved.” 

Bodhi huffed out a laugh, and it seemed to be enough to break whatever fragile feeling was happening between the two of them. He slipped out of Wedge’s arms and rummaged through the nightstand, coming back with a bottle of lotion. “We’ll have to make do, I suppose. Be more prepared next time.”

Wedge wondered if Bodhi could tell how badly he wanted there to be a next time, even as the thought of it slowly killed him. He certainly seemed intent on killing Wedge anyway, sitting back on his heels to pull his shirt up over his head. He tossed it onto the floor and bit his lip. “Okay, I have an idea.”

They wound up laying on their sides with Bodhi spooned up behind Wedge. The first slick slide of Bodhi’s cock between his thighs sent a curl of heat through Wedge’s stomach and he let out a low moan. Bodhi wrapped an arm around his waist, tucking his face into Wedge’s neck and whispering ‘hush’ into his ear. Wedge felt like a strung wire about to snap, with the heat of Bodhi’s body all along his back and his hand working steady and sure over his cock. He pressed his mouth to his fist to keep from crying out as he came, leaving indents from his teeth in his own skin. Bodhi let out a stuttering breath, falling into his own orgasm and pushing his forehead against the back of Wedge’s neck. 

After, Wedge pulled Bodhi’s hand up to his mouth, carefully kissing his fingertips even with the mess of his own come spread over them. 

His heart ached as Bodhi cleaned them up with cursory swipes of his t-shirt, tucking himself against Wedge’s back without questioning whether or not he would or should stay. Wedge thought he would lay there for hours, memorizing the feeling of this, but before he knew it he was drifting off to sleep, Bodhi’s breath warm against his shoulder.

* * *

The sound of Bodhi talking woke him up, the sun just barely beginning to light the sky outside the window. Bodhi was pulling on his underwear, holding a comm up to his mouth and wincing when he realized that Wedge’s eyes were open. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “Apparently my vacation’s getting cut short. I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

Wedge rolled over onto his front, tucking his arms under the pillow and watching Bodhi. His eyes kept closing, even though he tried to keep them open, and he slipped in and out of wakefulness. He felt Bodhi kiss his forehead, then brush a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t want to go, you know. There are things I need to say, before I lose my nerve.”

Wedge pulled a hand free, curling it around Bodhi’s knee briefly before letting it fall over the edge of the bed. He wasn’t awake enough to sort through Bodhi’s words, only registering that Bodhi was leaving him. “‘Kay. Talk when you get back. Be safe.”

When he woke up again, Bodhi was gone. Two days later, Leia sent him a message saying Bodhi's ship was missing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

**6 ABY - Somewhere in the Outer Rim**

Bodhi looked up at the viewscreen, his body freezing in place. The Star Destroyer in front of him was all too familiar, minimalist Imperial design stark white against the blackness of space. He didn’t know if the informant he was there to pick up was compromised, or just part of a trap, but that hardly mattered now. Shaking himself back into action, he shifted the shuttle into reverse, praying to whatever Force was watching over them that he’d be able to jump back into hyperspace before the Destroyer could get a tractor beam locked onto his ship. 

He groaned and slammed his hands down on the console when the ship lurched backwards. He wasn’t equipped with much in the way of weapons, but he tucked a vibroblade into his boot and strapped a blaster to his hip. Cassian would be proud of how little his hands shook, if he ever got out of there to tell him about it. 

He needed to make it out, if only to finally tell Wedge what was in his heart.

* * *

Bodhi couldn’t remember much of what had happened after that, each moment seeming to bleed together into a colossal mass of running and fighting. The ship was ill-staffed, the loss of their leader making it easier for all but the most devoted Imperials to defect. Bodhi could understand, in a way, why some had been unable or unwilling to break ties until the last. He’d willingly signed on, once upon a time. As willingly as any man faced with very few choices could be. 

Still, the doors had opened to only two guards, one of which he’d managed to stun and the other that had left off chasing him after only two corridors. He would have liked to think it meant he was too fast to catch, but it was more likely that he was just running into more well defended areas. 

For as difficult as they had been to defeat, the Empire was blessedly predictable. So predictable that six years after he’d become a wanted man, his access codes were still accepted by the computer systems. Bodhi logged in, accessing a backdoor system that Galen had shown him once, and blasted out a distress signal. He wasn’t sure if the New Republic would find it, but at least no one else would be surprised to find the Destroyer there like he had been. 

Bodhi knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide for long. A ship was only so big, and they’d be expecting him to try to get back into the shuttle. Every way off the Destroyer was in that same hangar, none of which would damage the Destroyer long enough to escape. The only solution he could come up with was sabotage.

* * *

**Yavin IV**

Leia’s message had been brief. 

_“Rook’s MIA. Has not attempted contact. Red tape chokes the galaxy.”_

Wedge knew exactly what that meant. One lone cargo pilot wasn’t worth sending out a search party in the Senate’s eyes, though he could never figure out what qualified as the right ratio of resources against the weight of a sentient life. Probably part of the reason he wasn’t under their command any longer. 

Luckily, this also meant that he didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission to go looking. 

It also meant that he didn’t have access to his X-wing either, but Wedge was fairly certain he wasn’t going alone. A-wings were faster anyway, even though following Shara felt like trying to rope a tornado. He could have recruited a few others, squadron loyalties ran deep, but without knowing what to expect, he couldn’t drag anyone else into trouble.

* * *

**Outer Rim, Imperial Star Destroyer**

The droid had been a surprise. Well, mostly the shock prod that had shot out of it, glancing against Bodhi’s leg as he tried to dodge out of the way. He would have sworn that it was deactivated. Apparently just resting, or whatever that meant for inorganics. He’d have to ask Artoo, if he ever got the chance, though fifty percent of what Artoo spouted out was bullshit. Regardless, the shock had knocked Bodhi to the floor, and hitting his head along the way hadn’t helped either. Which explained why he came to locked inside a cell. 

Bodhi really wished that he’d made more of an effort to say no to this mission. 

Whoever had dragged him to the cell had taken his blaster and his vibroblade, but hadn’t done much digging beyond that. They would have had to rip his flight suit apart to find the set of lockpicks that Jyn had sewn into the lining one night, claiming that she was bored. It had been one of her more thoughtful gifts over the years, one that he was extremely grateful for now.

* * *

They dropped out of hyperspace on the far side of one of the planet’s moons, the screech of a distress beacon flooding over their headsets as soon as Shara started scanning. Wedge ripped the headset off his ears. “Son of a Sith, turn the volume down!” 

Shara cackled. “Sorry. Poe must have been messing with it the last time we went up for a spin. He likes everything turned up to eleven.”

“He likes brain damage, more like. Kriff, I think my ears might be bleeding.” 

He couldn’t see her face, but he could feel her rolling her eyes. “Don’t be a baby, Wedge. I’m sure Bodhi will kiss it better for you.”

“I thought I was an old man, not a baby,” Wedge grumbled.

“You’re a pain in my ass, that’s for kriffing sure. Let’s go rescue your boyfriend and we can argue about your mental age some other time, alright?” 

He wanted to argue that Bodhi wasn't his boyfriend, but he knew there was no point.

* * *

Bodhi held his tongue between his teeth, ignoring the piece of hair that was doing it’s level best to drive him insane by falling in his eyes constantly. He didn’t have a free hand, both occupied with the lock picks that he was attempting to use to free himself. He possibly should have paid more attention to Cassian’s lessons on breaking out of prison, but he’d assumed that a shuttle pilot wouldn’t spend much time locked up. It felt like he was doing something right though, the sound of metal clicking into place barely audible as he pressed his ear to the door. Then another sound rang through the metal, something that definitely sounded like footsteps, and they were coming closer. 

Bodhi pulled his hands free, tucking the lock picks up into his sleeves to hide them from view. The lock clicked open from the other side and Bodhi braced himself for the inevitable rough treatment from whoever had come for him. Instead another man was shoved into the room, tripping over Bodhi’s feet and catching himself with his hands against the wall. 

He really should have been more surprised to see that it was Wedge. 

Bodhi didn’t know what compelled his captors to throw them in together, surely they didn’t have many prisoners on board. He was torn between being glad to see Wedge and irrationally angry that Wedge had gotten himself into danger. 

“What in the name of the Force, Wedge! Kriff, I almost had that lock picked…” Anger won. Bodhi pushed himself up from the floor, working his way to his feet and moving into Wedge’s space, raring for a fight. 

Wedge jumped back, holding his hands up defensively, eyes wide with shock. “I didn't _mean_ to get captured. If it hadn’t been for that doshing pile of scrap droid, everything would have been fine.”

Bodhi suddenly found the floor very interesting.

Wedge snorted, “Oh, it got you too I see.” He stepped forward, forcing Bodhi back until he was pressed against the wall. “I can’t help but notice you’re in the same cell. And here I thought you might be glad to see me!”

Bodhi scowled, feeling even more trapped between Wedge and the wall, clenching his jaw until his teeth ached. “I didn’t need you to rescue me!” 

Wedge raised his eyebrows, nostrils flaring. “Are you kriffing serious - _You_ sent out the distress signal!” He turned, throwing his hands up in the air. “Maybe it’s just me that you didn’t want. What if Cassian had come, would that have been okay? Or Luke - can the savior of the galaxy rescue you but not me?”

Bodhi followed after Wedge, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him around until they were facing each other again. “I don’t know, alright! Maybe I just don’t want you to get hurt!”

Wedge rolled his eyes, sarcasm flooding his voice. “Haven’t you heard? “They can’t figure out how to kill me. It’s just everyone _else_ that dies.” 

Bodhi scoffed, fighting back the urge to punch Wedge and settling for poking him in the chest instead. “You think you’re the only one that feels guilty about living? I didn’t know any of those soldiers that died on Scarif, but they followed me down there. They died because I finally woke up enough to break away from the Empire. And even then I was too late, because they _still_ blew up Jedha City, they still destroyed Alderaan. All those lives, blown away like dust, but I’m still here.” His mouth settled into a mocking smile. “I think I’ve got you beat for survivor’s guilt, Antilles.”

“That’s not the same - ” Wedge ran his hands through his hair, gripping the strands and tugging. He looked like he wanted to scream, but after a moment his voice got quieter and he seemed to fold into himself. “I knew the soldiers that went to Scarif, and they would have gone no matter who asked. They knew what they were signing up for, and they would have been proud to know that their sacrifice meant that there weren’t any other Jedha’s or Alderaan’s.” 

Bodhi raised his eyebrows incredulously, his voice slipping down to the same volume as Wedge’s and stepping further into his space on instinct. Close enough to touch, though he crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his hands into his armpits to keep from doing so. “And all the other pilots? The ones that died instead of you? Did they miss the fact that they were flying for the Rebellion? Did they not know what their sacrifice meant? Tell me how they’re any different. Maybe you’re just lucky, maybe you’re just _better_ than they were, but it wasn’t your fault that they died.” 

Wedge looked up and into Bodhi’s eyes, exhaustion showing in the dark circles under his eyes and the defeated set of his shoulders. He let out a breath and closed the last few inches between them, dropping his head forward onto Bodhi’s shoulder. “Stars, why are we even fighting?”

The reality of the situation hit Bodhi then, Wedge was there, standing before him. Wedge had come to find him. That had to mean something. He pulled his arms free and wrapped them around Wedge, turning his face into Wedge’s neck. “I don’t even know anymore. Thank you...for coming, I mean.” 

Wedge pulled back, putting his hands on Bodhi’s arms and holding him there. “I had to.” 

Bodhi shook his head, forehead wrinkling. “No, you didn’t.” 

Wedge took a deep breath, holding it for a second before closing his eyes and smiling. “Bo, I'm kriffing in love with you, of course I did.”

Bodhi couldn’t move, his entire body going stiff with shock. Eyes wide, he fumbled out, “What?”

Wedge let go and started pacing the short length of their cell. “I - I don’t even know if you want me, but I need to at least tell you how I feel.” He touched his chest, hand over his heart like he was in physical pain. “I miss you - _all_ the time - and I just want you to stay, with me. I want you to be with me. I don't care if that's selfish.” 

Bodhi tried to follow, finally wrapping his arms around Wedge from behind and pressing up against his back. Maybe it was easier for Wedge to get the words out when he wasn’t looking at Bodhi. Bodhi could understand that, his words caught in his throat often enough. 

Wedge kept talking. “I can't lose you Bodhi, not after we've both managed to survive for so long. I know - I _know_ , I just said that we didn’t have to mean anything. But I lied. I want everything. I want to wake up with you everyday and not wonder if you're going to disappear for three months on some Sith-forsaken treasure hunt for the New Republic. Who - by the way - couldn't be bothered to come out here and find you. Is that - is that too much to ask?” Wedge turned around finally, looking at Bodhi with pleading eyes. “Just please, stay with me. I love you.”

Bodhi pulled him forward, pouring everything into the kiss, all the fears he couldn’t give voice to, all the years he’d spent wanting even half those words from Wedge. He pulled back, tears shining in his eyes. “I love you too, you jerk.”

The grin that slid across Wedge’s face was worth every moment of those lost years, but the kiss he pulled Bodhi into was even better. They clung to each other, hands slipping under the edges of clothes wherever they could reach, and pressing each other back against the walls of the cell in turn. 

From the doorway, someone coughed and let out a chuckle. Bodhi looked up and grinned at Shara standing there, well used blaster in hand. “So, can we go now, or is fucking in an Imperial jail cell on your bucket list?”

Wedge made a rude gesture that he probably learned in the slums of Corellia, pulling Bodhi back into another kiss. Bodhi appreciated his enthusiasm, but started tugging him toward the doorway regardless. As tempting as it was to resolve their tension then and there, having Wedge in his bed in the safety of Republic controlled space was a much more enticing fantasy.


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I see a little house on a hill and children's names_

**11 ABY, Hosnian Prime**

Bodhi rolled over, tucking his face into Wedge’s neck to block out the sun filtering through the window. And also because the crook of Wedge's neck was his favorite place to be, along with between his legs and underneath him in any capacity. Wedge grumbled and wound an arm around Bodhi, tugging him closer and tangling their legs together.

“Go back to sleep. What's the point of being retired if I still have to wake up at the crack of dawn?”

Bodhi kissed Wedge's neck, trailing his mouth along the skin as far as he could reach without moving his head too much. “I'm trying to sleep, love. The sun is being cruel.” 

He slid his hand down Wedge's back and under the sheets, laughing when Wedge let out a groan and rolled to pin Bodhi to the bed with his hips. “The sun is doing the same thing it does every day, don't pretend you aren't the one opening the curtains so you have an excuse to molest me.”

Bodhi wrapped his legs around Wedge's hips. He looked up at Wedge with a soft smile, tugging his lower lip between his teeth. “I was snuggling, not molesting. There's a distinct difference.”

Wedge grinned and leaned down to press his mouth against Bodhi's in a firm kiss. He reached back and pulled Bodhi's left hand down, slotting their fingers together and then pressing Bodhi's hand to the mattress above his head. Bodhi arched his neck up, trying to chase Wedge's mouth, but he ducked away, running his nose along Bodhi's jaw and kissing the underside of his chin instead. “No matter what you call it, I'm up now.”

Bodhi winked and rolled his hips upward into the steady weight of Wedge's body. “Oh, you're up alright.”

Wedge groaned. “Stars, you're ridiculous. Remind me why I married you again?” He pulled back to look in Bodhi's eyes, the beginning of a smile tugging at his lips. Bodhi knew he was probably grinning like an idiot, cheeks aching already. He brought his free hand up to cup Wedge's cheek, fingertips brushing against the hair starting to turn gray at his temple. “Because you love me,” he whispered.

A young voice called out from the room next to theirs, “Please stop. I'll be traumatized if I have to listen to the two of you having sex. Besides, if we're all awake, you promised we'd do some repairs on that old A-wing soon.”

Wedge buried his face in Bodhi's shoulder, his body shaking with silent laughter. It didn't do anything to curb Bodhi's desire, and he half contemplated just rutting up against Wedge's hip until he was shaking for another reason. Only knowing that Wedge wouldn't be able to look Poe in the eye for the rest of the week if he did stopped him. Pitching his voice low so Poe wouldn't be able to hear, Bodhi whispered into Wedge's hair, “Someday, he's going to want to have sex, and I'm going to make sure I'm there just so I can cockblock him.”

Wedge laughed again, rolling off to one side of Bodhi. “That's only mildly disturbing, love. Come on, we're meant to be a good influence on the boy. Not sure what Kes was thinking, but I intend to do my best, for Shara’s sake if nothing else.”

Bodhi brought their still joined hands up to his mouth, kissing Wedge's knuckles softly. “He was thinking that he needs time to grieve as well.” He didn't want to think about losing Wedge, not when it had taken so long for them to get their acts together. He loved Poe though, just as he had loved Shara, one of the brightest stars in the galaxy snuffed out far too soon.

“Alright,” he groaned, shoving Wedge onto his back playfully and tickling his face with the ends of his hair, “Last one to the kitchen has to wash the dishes after breakfast!”

He could hear Poe scrambling out of bed, followed by the faint thud of his door slamming closed. He pulled back far enough to get a hand between them, dipping his fingers underneath the waistband of Wedge's underwear and skimming along the hard length of his cock. Wedge grabbed at his wrist, hissing, “He'll be back in less than five minutes, don't you dare!”

Bodhi grinned, reckless desire filling his chest. Then he leaned down and kissed Wedge, nipping at his lip and sliding their tongues together until they were both breathless. He didn't know how he'd survived for so long without this, but now that he had it, he didn't intend to ever let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic would not have been possible without the unfailing support of my beta [SassySnowperson](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/dramaticentrance). Thank you for the hours of handholding and for not letting me beat my head off the wall trying to deal with canon nonsense. Your ideas and words (and sentences in some places) are woven through this story, and have helped make it so much more than it could have been without you.


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